You decide your self-worth.


Other people’s reactions and responses to you, are not a measure of your self-worth, and do not make you a good OR a bad person. It is not a label.


One thing that was very challenging when I started this journey, was that I felt I was responsible for making everyone happy. That it was my role.


If there was someone around me, especially someone I loved, that wasn’t happy, either with life in general, or with me, then that was a measuring stick, that I was a bad person.


And it was ALWAYS that I was a bad person, that I was useless, hopeless, that I could never measure up, and that I’d never get it right. 


Who is the most important person in your relationships anyway?

This was a huge source of misery for me and also for others around me. It created a lot of resistance, rejection and conflict.


Now when we feel inside that we’re not good enough, for whatever reason, then that creates a reactiveness inside of us. It creates conflict and resistance, and it becomes our operating system.


That vibration is what goes out to the world. So no matter what we do, what we say, what we don’t do, we’re just never going to measure up!


But when we keep coming at life from that perspective, what’s going to happen? Of course we’re not going to measure up.


It’s a huge burden, it’s a huge waste of energy and it’s a huge waste of you and your magnificence. 


Stop Trampling Your Self-Worth


If you’re always trying to please everyone, knowing of course that you’re not going to succeed. Each individual;’s happiness, both for you and those you love, comes from inside of us. 


So when we are constantly measuring our happiness against other people’s happiness, or measuring our worth off of other people’s happiness, then that’s setting us up for failure. 


So one of the things that I learned to do, when I started to understand this, and I realized that someone was unhappy, I immediately took responsibility for myself and said “I’m not responsible for another person’s happiness, I’m simply responsible for how I react to them, and do it in the most loving way possible, even perhaps when they were accusing me of things that I hadn’t done, tearing me apart, speaking nastily to me, or generally being horrid”.


People Pleaser


So if you start to recognize this in you, that you are a people pleaser, and that its your responsibility to make especially your loved ones happy, then you’re doing yourself a disservice by wasting so much energy, but you’re also doing them a disservice. Because you’re not actually allowing them to be the best versions of themselves that they can be. 


Also, because you’re taking responsibility for them, and you might not even be aware of what you’re doing, but because you’re taking responsibility for them and their happiness, you’re not actually allowing them to step up and be the best version of themselves that they can be. 


So when we start to drop these patterns and habits, we suddenly can become the best versions of ourselves, that we can be, and it just magically transforms our relationships. And don’t forget to ask yourself, “what if today was our last day?”. The answer may surprise you. 


I had to prove it to myself


I’ve noticed so many times with people that I love, with my husband and with my children, any time I made it my job to make them happy, all it did was create conflict. Because my idea of happiness was completely different from theirs. 


But because I made it MY JOB, I did everything I possibly could, but all it did was create more resistance and conflict, and upset and arguments.


So when I took responsibility for myself and realized that I’m here to feed them, clothe them, and to see that they are warm and dry, and that their emotional needs are met as a mother.


Which really all means to create space for them and guide them to see how they can be happy in their selves. And as a guide to them, they started becoming responsible for themselves. 


As I dropped the need to fix, or the need to change them, I became so much happier, and our family dynamics changed dramatically. 


Now if this has been helpful for you or you know a friend it would speak to, then please feel free to share it or to reach out to me.


I’m here to guide as many people as possible into the Love Vortex and Enriching Relationships, so we can all reach our potential, and we can all become the best versions of ourselves that we can be, as quickly, and as simply and easily as possible. 


And remember, this is a JCBS-free zone: Judgement, Criticism, Blame and Shame. All views are welcome.


Erena Oliver

Relationship Coach

The Love Vortex

Marlborough NZ