Secret Perfectionism


This last week or so, the word surrender has been in my face, and I’ve been having a little dance with that, to explore what it means, and more importantly, what I need to learn from it.


Now what may surprise you, is that even though I’ve surrendered so much, it’s still an ongoing process, and there’s stuff that I’m being required to surrender deeper into, and perhaps even surrender to some things I haven’t been able to let go of yet.


It’s been an exciting journey. 


I’ve been thinking about surrender in relation to my tribe, and some things that they may not be aware of.




The concept of surrender is not about surrendering to another person or being a doormat, because that’s not healthy for your own self-esteem and self-worth. Rather, what I’m talking about here is about surrendering to myself – I’m surrendering the need to know, the need to be right, and the need to be perfect.


I don’t know about you, but I’ve struggled with some perfectionist tendencies and I tend get in my own way. Maybe you’ve had the experience where you’ve written a beautiful article, taken a stunning photo, or had a big project at work, but you delayed releasing it until it was *absolutely perfect*.


Which of course we all know, it never is. 


So you delay and delay and delay, and eventually the opportunity is gone, the time has passed. 


Now I ask you, is it better to put yourself out there, flaws and all, or to wait for some ideal future which may never come?


This is about surrendering that need to be perfect all of the time. 


This does not mean that we don’t explore, that we don’t do our best. But it means that we don’t expect ourselves to always be perfect, and we don’t expect others to always be perfect.


Because let’s face it, what is perfection? 






The more that we can come into accepting ourselves as we are, the easier it’s going to be to accept another person, warts and all.


Now, we’re not surrendering to behaviours which are immoral or disrespectful, but we are surrendering to the best versions of ourselves.


Now as we step up and we let go of our limiting beliefs, we are creating a safe space for others to step up and be the best versions of themselves. No one can be their best if they feel neglected at all. 


Valentine’s Day


Last year around Valentine’s day, I spoke about women and their need to be acknowledged on Valentine’s day. And I ask, what are you doing every other day of the year, to make your lover, your best friend feel inspired to take you out and cherish you?


Are you constantly showing up as the best version of yourself?


As we step up, then they can also step up, it’s a positive cycle that feeds itself, and everyone can reclaim their self-worth.


50th Wedding Anniversary


I can remember back to being at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, and my grandmother saying that she was still learning new things about granddad, that she never knew before. 


I was so amazed by that. Here were these two people who had lived together for 50 years, had 8 kids, and had been through some really, really tough times. They had grown up before the war, and granddad was a conscientious objector, they had a house fire and lost everything. Really some horrific stuff.


I remember my grandmother saying that we tend to expect that we should know everything about our partners, and even that it’s our right to know everything about our partners. 


This may be difficult for some people, but it’s important to accept that we’ll never know everything about our partners, and that we shouldn’t expect to know everything about our partners.


As long as that’s not interfering with the magic of our relationship, then it actually doesn’t matter.


Disposable Relationships


In today’s disposable society, we don’t tend to work on our issues, but rather dump things that just aren’t working, which sets up a cycle of hopping from one relationship to another, without really ever addressing the underlying issues within ourselves.


We’ll never find that person who we feel is “the best for us”, because we haven’t found that person within ourselves. 


Now I need to ask, has this story been meaningful and impactful for you? If it has, I’d love to hear your feedback. Send any questions or comments, and you can private message me to keep this private between us. 


Let’s talk.


Erena Oliver

Relationship Coach

The Love Vortex

Marlborough NZ