The most important relationship


The best relationship we can have, is not the relationship with another person, but the relationship with ourselves. 


It’s a fact of life that there’s regular ups and downs. There’s daily conflict. And instead of expecting our relationships to always be perfect, it’s helpful to see our relationships as a continuous dance.


There’s going to be missteps, there’s going to be times when we’re out of rhythm, all of those things which happen in a dance. But that doesn’t mean the dance is over, it just means you get back up and you come in with a renewed sense of intention and purpose to make a go of it. 


The beauty of this metaphor is that it sets the tone for understanding relationships are about adaptability, they’re about acceptance, they’re about awareness, both of ourselves and of others. And most importantly it’s about accountability. 


Being accountable to ourselves, and also to the relationship, because acceptance is a big part of forgiveness, and forgiveness is a big part of acceptance.


The key to this? Taking responsibility.


Responsibility for our words, our actions, and the consequences of them. Remember, what if this was your last day together? 


It’s about exploring. 


What am I feeling? 


Why am I feeling this?


What am I thinking?


Where are these thoughts leading me?


How am I speaking?


What words am I using?


What is my tone?


Is it full of accusations?


Is it full of the tone that irritates others and creates conflict?


The point is to be aware of our actions, and the consequences of them.


Because every thought, every word and every action, has an impact and has a consequence, potentially either positive or negative. 


Know Yourself


Now if we don’t know ourselves intimately, then how the heck can we expect another to know us intimately?


That’s why it’s our responsibility to get to know ourselves the very best we can.


Ocean of Emotions


Let’s talk about women for a second: our minds and our bodies fluctuate throughout the month. Our partner could say something to us one day that just goes right over our heads and we don’t think twice about it, but they could say exactly the same thing with the same tone the next week, however that could tip us over into a rage, or fill us with feelings of being useless and hopeless.


The more we can get to know and understand ourselves and our cycles, the more we’re able to warn our partners ahead of time, “hey, this week I may get more irritated than usual, don’t take it personally, I still deeply love you, I’m just being hijacked by my hormones, and this is how it is”.


This shows a deep respect, not only for ourselves, but also for our partners, and this really speaks to the whole give and take within relationships. 


For the men, they have been primed through thousands of years of evolution, to be the primary protector, and if they feel in any way that they aren’t able to protect, that’s going to create and whole series of conflicts. This may either make them have short tempers with us, or drive them to disappear into their caves. 


Better the devil you know, than the one you don’t


Now to be clear, I’m not talking about relationships with physical abuse here, but if we address our relationship issues, and our relationship challenges, in this relationship that we’re in, then that enriches our relationship with ourselves, with the other person, and with the relationship as a whole.


But, if we keep moving from one relationship to another, because of little things that are upsetting us, things that we don’t like, then we’ll find that those things keep coming back to us. 


If you keep doing the same things, you’re going to keep getting the same things.


So our relationships are actually an opportunity for us to grow, and the best part is that we have somebody with us to support us, and we’re not doing it alone. 


Remember this: you are better than a crap relationship. You deserve an empowering and enriching relationship. 


Now I need to ask you, has this story been meaningful and impactful for you? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Send me your comments and your questions, you can private message me to keep this private between us. 


Let’s talk.


Erena Oliver

Relationship Coach

The Love Vortex

Marlborough NZ