Hurt people hurt people.

Today, I was looking back on the New Zealand, Christchurch mosque shootings. It brought terror to us all. It was just so wrong – morally, physically, ethically. The people of New Zealand will never forget this event.

We know that our reactions stem from past experiences that will lead us to certain beliefs that we may accept as the truth. These people are actually just preconceived ideas projected onto others to protect their ego.

Hurt people tend to interpret words and behaviors personally and tend to think of themselves as victims who have been treated unfairly. They also tend to mistreat or act harshly toward others. They have trouble tolerating virtually any type of emotional injury, slight, insult, or threat without feeling the need to forcefully retaliate, which means they’re perpetually at war with someone most of the time.

When you know where people’s reactions to you are coming from, it is much easier to not take it personally.

It’s really not about us-you- at all. It is about THEM and what’s inside them coming out and projecting onto us.

I have a heart for people who are broken.

I was broken for many years so I can understand where people are coming from when they behave in certain ways.

The reality is that hurt people hurt people when they remain unhealed. If you are hurt, this is how to prevent your hurt from being passed on.

Explore Your Wounds

Don’t deny they are there. If you get angry when talking about something from the past or someone that hurt you, that is a good indicator that there is a significant wound that has not been healed. Admit it. Unpack all of it. Figure out why it happened. Think about its significance and why it cut so deep. Unhealed wounds have a way of creating a distorted lens through which we view the world, friends, family, and particularly, ourselves. 

Are the things you believe about yourself and others grounded in unbiased truth? Or is your view distorted? Have these wounds created insecurities in you that are not founded in truth? Have these wounds caused you to keep people at a distance? 

Ask questions. Think through the answers.

Examine Your Feelings

Pain is not an enjoyable experience. There are three things people do with pain. We numb it, bury it, or allow ourselves to feel it. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and noted TED speaker says, “The problem is that we cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb pain, we also numb joy.” 

We wonder why we are passionless and miserable. Work through and feel it all. Get in touch with all of your feelings: fear, anger, sadness, etc. In the right environment or with the right people, let those feelings out.


This is the hardest part. Forgive. They don’t deserve it. That’s the point. Forgiveness is not something that’s earned but given. Not forgiving is like continually ripping a scab so it never heals. It’s building a home for bitterness. As long as bitterness and hard feelings remain, they hold power over you. It may take counseling, deep thought, or lots of prayers, but you need to forgive. The alternative is paying the pain forward to those around you.

Can you think of a time when your feelings were hurt by someone?

When have you been emotionally hurt and how did you deal with it?

If you would like to learn more and are done with feeling hurt, I can help you.

Has this blog been meaningful and impactful for you? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Send me your comments and your questions; you can send me a private message or email me at to keep this private between us.

Let’s talk.

Erena Oliver