A friend of yours told you about “three-month rule” which is a societal decision to wait for three months to forgive, forget, and move on from the previous relationship, and get ready to date again.

Now you are thinking about welcoming a new person into your life, and you felt that you already moved on from the toxic relationship three months ago.

Fast forward, the relationship also became toxic and thankfully came to an end. However, it left traumatic experiences which made you afraid of dating.

You told your friend that “three-month rule” didn’t work, so you had a little chat which turned to a deep conversation. 

Thankfully, this trusted friend of yours is trustworthy. That’s why you believed the “three-month rule” right? So you let it out, cried, and opened yourself. You both hoped to find the end of the tunnel until there’s nothing left to spill.

Getting Hold of Yourself

You experienced “unpredicted problems” that happened your past relationships, no matter how deep you and your partner felt. A quick fix may be a convenient solution; however, it doesn’t protect both of you from recurring mistakes. It is why you need to focus on finding the root cause and tackle it properly. Once you learned your triggers and how to side-step those earlier decisions, it can help you thrive within your new relationship. Ask yourself: 

🤔 When you were together, are you a giver or a taker?

🤔 Are you comfortable with the typical interactions with your partner?

🤔 What are your recurring issues?

🤔 What did each of you do when solving conflicts?

🤔 Did you both consistently meet each other’s specific needs?

🤔 Are there healthy sacrifices that both of you appreciate?

🤔 Can you both communicate sincerely without aggression?

Consider all the other relationships you’ve had in the past, and you may find a pattern. You may have never felt comfortable being yourself with your partner or able to address issues in open communication. The feeling of not being valued as a person with feelings and opinions will also make a person more likely to allow the partner to decide. It will put pressure on the partner and pressures the person to conform to the idea of what the person thinks a relationship should be rather than what it is. These habits keep you in a cycle of having failed relationships.

Breaking the Cycle

Now that you can pick up the cause and effect of your actions in your relationships, you have the presence of mind towards your objectives and decisions. It’s good to know that cycles of bad habits are not personality traits. Escaping it will help you avoid lapses to behaviour and bad habits. Now, what’s next?

👉 Examine the patterns you have discovered and your responses within the cycle. Do you consider your mistakes as your bad habits?

👉 Focus on making conscious choices. Do you recognize the moments when you begin to fall into those patterns again?

👉 Commit to yourself first. Do you accept that you deserve to be happy and safe in a relationship?

👉 Make a regular reflection. There are no immediate results; are you already making responsible decisions?

👉 Reward yourself for those successes and learn from your mistakes. Are you already avoiding to date terrible human beings?

If this process seems overwhelming to you, don’t hesitate to consult with professionals. It’s challenging to collate these thoughts by yourself when you just got out from a traumatic relationship. Therapy can allow you to address the unconscious triggers that lead you to choose partners who mirror earlier, bad relationship choices.

History will keep repeating itself until you change it. Your success in avoiding the mistakes of your previous relationships lay in the choices you make for your future. Now is your opportunity to seize the moment and try a different path!