One of my clients has unhealthy patterns in behaviour which are destructive in relationships. She consulted me because she wanted to know why is she doing this. The better question I suggested to ask is “what should I rather do instead?”

Controlling Your Anger As The Start Of New History

Before we discuss the solution, let’s discuss first what is going on. We tend to bring out the best, or the worst, in each other in our relationships as we grow together. Things that needed to address are coming out to light. When that happens, there are times when we lose ourselves from anger, making us regret and cringe about what we did or said.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions, 99% seen as negative and unproductive. However, it helps people grow, release unhealthy feelings and help people move away from unwanted things. Anger is vital to express yourself healthily and to know yourself more. That is why when people are learning whether they explode or stuff things in because of anger.

Suppressing anger is not reliable every time; and even anger management counsellors should discourage it because it doesn’t help learn, express, and decide. That is why the best way to express anger without regret, suppression and chaos, is personalising it, which is the start of new history in your relationships. 

The Roots Of Our Anger Responses

Early dysfunctions are the cause of today’s challenges. Children, for example, are afraid to ask questions because they think that someone might become angry. They become scared of upsetting people, learning to stuff down the feelings, or explode as a fast way to express anger.

When it doesn’t change as we grow, the things happening to us have the same patters. That is why I love the saying “when you keep doing the same thing, you keep getting the same results.” It is because doing what we don’t like gives us the same experiences and treatment from people.

10 Steps To Start Changing The History Of Our Relationships

Now that we know that we should do something different, what we should do depends on your situation, or what you want to achieve. Another thing to consider is what you are already doing that needs to stop, which is undoubtedly one of the reasons why your relationships repeat history. Preventing that will get you out of the dysfunction, trauma, and suffering.

It doesn’t matter if the other person in the relationship is a part of the solution or not; let the change start from you. It is hard to accept that you are also responsible for your suffering, but seeing that you are also a part of the solution is already freeing, how about being the start?

  1. It will help if you accept that you have a role that keeps the cycle going. You have control, and the first thing you should do is stop blaming others.
  2. Ask yourself: Is one of you taken for granted? Is it a financial problem? Be aware of what’s going on.
  3. Celebrate your awareness; be excited that you already know which to change. Be it “I sound like a parent/grandparent”.
  4. If it feels terrible, stop noticing these things to blame, shame, or judge; it is what it is, you are who you are. 
  5. Focus on finding the harmonious way, where you may need to get help because the solution is not one-size-fits-all.
  6. A great way to find it is asking yourself “am I the person that the person I like (in my relationship) wants to spend time with?
  7. If not, what is it that I need to do differently? For example, if the other person shouts, you need to speak gently, like talking with a neighbour. The way we respond makes a huge difference.
  8. When things start to change, stay aware and honest. Appreciate them when they appreciate you.
  9. Remember what attracted you to the person in the first place; you will notice that you appreciated the little things. If you go back to the beginning, you can be aware of the changes along the way.
  10. Avoid wasting time on the negative things, focus on the things you love.

So if you would like to identify and change any unhealthy patterns in your life and your relationships, I’d love to have a chat with you. Potentially, we have bucketloads of stuff that we can do to help you. I can help you bring out the best in you and your relationships.

Erena Oliver
Relationship Coach