Life goes along merrily for a while, then you get the feeling something is off, there is something missing, something that is not enough, yet you cannot put your finger on it.
You start to notice everything around you that is not as you wish it to be; the things you have not got and want, the things you have that you wish you did not have, but do have, the things in your relationships that you wish were different, better, there or not there….
Just be grateful they say, just focus on what you do want! Forget about the past and start right now and create what you desire! You know all of that and you do that however this time you just cannot get past the feelings that rise from inside that threaten to wipe you out and leave you feeling like a defeated, exhausted shell of who you are.
I knew there was something going on, yet it evaded me like a skilful soccer player keeping the ball from the opposition.
I yelled, bawled my eyes out, ranted and raved and allowed myself to be with this horrible feeling, because resisting it was not working, and had never worked. Shamefully I unleashed some of this towards my husband – which I have made amends for, although this is just what our self-loathing wants us to do – lash out and hurt those around us.
I took some deep breaths and invited myself to feel – to feel what I was feeling, to feel into what was really going on. This was tough for me to do, as I have spent my lifetime resisting feeling, as the pain has been too much to bear so often, however I gave myself permission to step into an adventure and see what I discovered.
Standing on a beach
As I breathed, I saw myself standing on a beach (one of my happy places) – waves lapping my feet, feeling happy and content, despite this feeling of doom, heaviness, and hatred.
I looked up…and a great black looming wave is standing over me, like an exceptionally angry bear…arms outstretched, claws unleashed, ready to snatch me up. I had the feeling it was so mad it wanted to tumble me around, churn me about, and would spit me out onto the beach in tiny bits, defeated, stripped bare, fighting for breath, and feeling like “what’s the point?” “no-one cares,” “no-one understands” or even everyone is against me – they hate me, they don’t see me, hear me!”
I knew this looming angry wave had been here many times before, and I had allowed this feeling to do just that…however in that moment I knew black looming wave need not come one inch further…for years I was powerless, as it snatched me from my peace, love and happiness. For years, this feeling had created conflict, chaos and confusion in my relationships and distress and dis-ease in my body…leaving me washed up on the beach more times than I cared to count anymore.
This time was different – as I stood there and looked at this wave, felt its threat and power, I could feel a declaration rising in me – NO MORE – I was done with this – I could see it, feel it and had been witness to the destruction it had wrecked in my body, relationships, and mind – I was over it.
The next thing surprised me – I felt this tiny spark of love in my heart, so I breathed into it. It grew, so I kept breathing into it – until I felt like a wee banty rooster might feel – all puffed out with this love feeling – then I looked again at this wave, felt all its fury and opened my heart to it, and it reared back – as if I had hit it – it folded, disintegrated and melted into the little waves that lapped the sand at my feet.
Sitting there amazed, almost in disbelief at how simply and easily something could become nothing…having just confirmed again to myself that we need not suffer in the pain of our unhealed emotions, I recognised that this self-loathing was only just the surface of a deeper unhealed part of my life and that was self-rejection.
However, in taking my power back, standing up to the self-loathing, seeing it for what it was – just a bully, just something that was hurting and continuing the conflict cycle of hurt, abuse, pain and suffering – and then using the power of acceptance and love to let it go – free it from its torment, and free it from tormenting me.
Creating Connection from Conflict is becoming more ease filled, simple and effortless.
People that don’t know how to transform their conflict will never discover that they can heal their mind, bodies and relationships and that enriched, empowered, connected relationships are not only possible, but can be simple, easy and fast
I have worked with integrative medicine for 20 years now and typically I work with people who are experiencing increased conflict in their lives with my Conflict2Connection™ Cruise.
Conflict creates more chaos, more confusion and they end up destroying their relationships and their health.
I turn conflict into connection so people can experience great relationships in their lives and with themselves, physically, mentally, and emotionally and be great role models for those around them